Do you find yourself arguing with your spouse or partner, having the same argument over and over again? Or living with someone who seems to argue about everything?

Heated arguments can get ugly quickly: raised voices, blaming, defensiveness, gridlock, rehashing old hurts. Even a few harsh, angry words can take a toll. When we lack skills for conflict, the costs add up—mistrust, hurt, disappointment, and emotional distance.

conflict is natural

I can recall as a child hearing my folks arguing late at night—their passion and anger clear in their voices. I grew up in a Jewish family, where self-expression was direct and blunt. If someone was upset with you, they let you know!

We all have different ways of handling conflict. Some rush in ready to fight, others do everything they can to avoid confrontation hoping it will resolve itself. Some are quick to give up their own needs to appease, while others take a more roundabout approach working indirectly to solve a problem.

Yet conflict is an inevitable, natural part of life. Our ability to handle disagreements skillfully can be the difference between a healthy marriage and a painful rupture, and between growth at work and chronic frustration. Poor communication is a primary reasons couples split up, while strong “soft skills” like communication and relationship-building often shape our success.

These six principles can help you get out of a rut in a relationship, so you can stop having the same, tired arguments over and over again.

I. Take Responsibility for Your Mind

When you’re hurt, angry, or upset, have you ever looked for someone else to blame? What did they say or do that “made me” feel this way? Here lies a core tangle in relationships: the belief that our feelings are caused by someone else.

Of course, other people’s words and actions affect us. But can someone else actually make you feel something? Do they truly have that power?

Most of us have been conditioned to project our feelings and unmet needs outward onto other people. For example, if I want more consideration and balance in a relationship, I start believing that “you’re selfish.” If I want more intimacy and connection than you do, you’re “cold and aloof.” But if you want more connection than I do, then you’re “needy and controlling.” Whatever is happening inside me, I make it about you being wrong.

This is a setup. When we blame others for our unmet needs, they tend to get defensive. Shift the ground of the conversation by owning what’s happening in your own mind and heart.

 Instead of blaming others for our feelings, take responsibility for emotions in two key ways:

• Notice the narrative: Many painful emotions come from the meaning we add to events. Ask, “What am I telling myself?”

• Name what matters to you: Feelings point to needs. When you identify the need, you can speak with more clarity and less blame.

II. Increase Your Capacity for Discomfort

Difficult conversations are hard because of the difficult emotions we feel. It’s our difficulty staying with our emotions and unpleasant sensations that leads us to say and do things we later regret.

The more we learn to tolerate discomfort, the more internal freedom we have. When we can feel our emotions and stay balanced, without letting them take over, we have more space inside and more choice about how to engage.

Here are a few ways to build tolerance for uncomfortable sensations:

• Practice with “strategic discomfort”—not too much, not too little.

• Anchor attention in the body, rather than looping in thoughts that fuel the emotion.

• Feel your hands or feet to help dissipate intensity.

• Soften the out-breath to cue the nervous system toward ease. 

III. Slow Down

Context matters. The end of a long day may not be the time to talk about finances or the relationship.

If you want to bring something up, ask if now works. If someone raises a hard topic, consider your bandwidth. If you’re not resourced, affirm that you want the conversation and propose a time: “I want to talk about this and do it well. Could we sit down tomorrow after dinner?”

During the conversation, slowing down interrupts old habits. A brief pause can mean the difference between an avoidable rupture and a wiser response.

• Try taking short pauses before speaking to sense whether what you’re about to say will help.

• If things feel fast or charged, name it and ask for a moment: “This feels really stirred up, and I want to respond helpfully. Could we pause for a moment so I can gather my thoughts?”

IV. Show up and Remember your Values

The first prerequisite for a successful conversation is presence.

Consider how many misunderstandings arise when someone isn’t paying attention. It’s different to speak with someone’s full attention than when they’re half-listening. If you want fewer arguments, practice being present.

The second condition is clarifying your intention. Where are you coming from? Intention—the motive behind words and actions—shapes how you speak and listen.

Even a few words of kindness or a warm gesture can shift the whole atmosphere of a conversation. When we act from our best intention—values like kindness, honesty, patience, generosity, and compassion—we stand on solid ground and are less swayed by sharp comments.

What’s more, a large portion of communication is nonverbal. When words and tone don’t match, people trust nonverbal cues like tone and body language over the words themselves.

• Before (and during) a hard conversation, recollect your values. What matters most here?

• Regardless of outcome, how do you want to show up?

• When we align our speech and actions with our values, we have more clarity, power, and integrity.

V. Offer Understanding

Arguments escalate when no one feels heard. Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing.

Showing understanding is a basic building block of communication. It’s how we know that we’re hearing one another. In ordinary conversation, this happens through facial expression, gesture, or other subtle cues. In tense moments, that flow stops. Instead of acknowledging what we heard, we contradict it—and the argument takes off.

To defuse tension, try to show you understand the other person’s perspective. If you don’t understand, ask genuine questions until you do. (Again, this doesn’t mean agreeing.) If neither person can listen, it’s time to pause the conversation.

During an argument, it can be challenging to put aside your own thoughts and feelings long enough to offer some empathy to the other person. In the long run, though, listening is in our own best interest for the simple fact that people are generally more willing to listen when they feel heard.

How we demonstrate understanding depends on many of factors: from context to culture to personal style. Here are a few ways to offer understanding (use what fits the moment):

• Listen quietly; nod or use nonverbal cues.

• Offer brief affirmation: “I hear you. I can see why that’s upsetting.”

• Reflect back: “Let me see if I’m following. It sounds like…[summarize what you hear]. Is that right?”

VI. Speak from your Heart and take risks

The final step is learning to speak openly and honestly without blame or judgment. Blaming can feel safer than sharing what’s really happening inside, but usually fuels the argument.

Being authentic is vulnerable. Can you separate your judgments and interpretations from how you feel? When we state feelings directly—and linked them to what matters—there’s less to argue with.

What matters to you here? Instead of focusing only on what’s wrong, name what you want to move toward.

• Connect feelings to needs, rather than to the other person’s behavior (“I feel hurt because I want…” rather than “I feel hurt because you said / did…”)

• Speak truthfully with as much care as you can.

These six steps can interrupt the common cycles of arguing. They also strengthen connection when things are going well.

Learning new communication skills takes time and practice. With patience and persistence, it’s possible to change how we relate—one conversation at a time.