Thanksgiving approaches, more holidays are just around the corner, and with this season can come so many feelings: from joy and sweetness to anxiety and loneliness. If you’re grieving, the season can bring new waves of heartache.
In today’s political climate, family gatherings can be even more stressful than usual. Our divides may loom just around the corner, threatening to dredge up old wounds or derail a holiday meal.
With all of this in mind, I wanted to offer some practices for holiday conversations. With some preparation and effort, we can stay kind and grounded regardless of what comes up, and even increase the chances of enjoying our time together.
1. Set Your Intention
Setting an intention is like having a North Star: whatever happens, keep returning to that inner compass. How do you want to show up this year?
Some helpful intentions include being curious, kind, relaxed, and focused on the good in others.
One holiday, a relative picked me up from the airport. I could feel my irritation rising as they spoke loudly, interrupted me, and drove aggressively. I took some quiet breaths, saying silently “patience, patience…” until the wave passed.
To receive the steady support of your intention, reflect on it beforehand. Choose a word or phrase, then pair it with an image. If your intention is to be flexible, you might picture a river flowing around stones. For patience, I imagine an ancient Redwood. Close your eyes, picture that image, and feel its strength in your heart. During the gathering, recall it as often as you need.
2. Know Your Limits
We all probably know that awful experience of being frozen, swallowing our emotions, and later feeling small, ashamed, or angry. It takes courage to face long-standing family dynamics and try something different.
Yet if we’re clear about what we are and aren’t willing to discuss, it’s easier to relax without continually recalibrating our boundaries.
Maybe you don’t want to spend the holidays arguing about war, politics, or the ecological crisis. You may do enough of that already, or know it’s not fruitful with certain relatives. On the other hand, you may be equally clear about confronting comments that land as racist, antisemitic, Islamophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, and more.
Consider what might come up. Which fault lines are most likely to emerge? Then, what’s most important to you in how you respond? A skillful response aligns with your values while honoring the other person’s humanity. We can stand up for what matters and still tend to the relationship.
Memorize a few phrases to defuse a tense moment, set a limit, or gracefully change the subject. Here are some examples you can adjust to your voice:
“I need a moment to think about how to respond to that.”
“I don’t think you intended it this way, but that comment could fuel harm. I want everyone to be seen for who they are, rather than making assumptions or stereotypes.”
“It sounds like this really matters to you. Can we take turns trying to understand each other’s views for a few minutes before debating?”
“I think we see this issue differently, and that’s okay. Let's focus on enjoying our time together. Could we talk about _____ instead?”
“This is getting a bit heated for me. I’m going to take a short break and come back in a few minutes.”
3. Ask Real Questions and Listen Better
Coming prepared with a few meaningful questions can help draw out the good in others. For example: what brings you joy these days? What’s something you did for fun recently? How are you staying balanced with all that’s happening in our world? What’s an important lesson you learned this year?
When you ask, really listen. Get curious and listen for what matters underneath. Can you connect with something they care about?
4. Make Space for Everyone
It’s not uncommon for a few individuals to dominate a conversation. We can break out of this pattern by adding a little structure so everyone can be heard.
You might invite each person take a turn sharing something they’re grateful for, or one thing that touched them this year, while others listen. Or, invite people to share something about themselves that others don’t know. Playing a game can also shift the focus and interrupt old habits.
For heated topics, propose some agreements for how to have the conversation. Could you each agree to listen with an open mind, seeking to understand each point before arguing? Is there someone who can moderate? Do you want to set a timer and take turns speaking? How will you handle defensiveness or over-activation?
When sharing something that matters to you, link it to a personal story. Stories create connection and pave the way for more meaningful conversations down the road.
5. Recall How Briefly We Are Here
Everything passes, the beautiful moments and the excruciating ones alike. Since losing my dad, I often look back at our messy family gatherings with some nostalgia. Knowing life that life is a stream of endless change—that this too will soon be a memory—helps us cherish the sweet moments and bear the hard ones gracefully.
So, use the tools you have to stay present and grounded: feel your breathing or your feet on the ground, bring something soothing to hold in your pocket, or quietly clasp one hand in the other. Above all, have compassion for yourself, which can go a long way toward easing any heaviness.
I hope this is helpful, and wish you and your community a safe, happy, healthy holiday season.
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